Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
