guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
