It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
