I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
