8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
it was like his penis was on wheels.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
