Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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