Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
