i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
