When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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