Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
