you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize