That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
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