He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
