Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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