woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Randomize
