Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
