4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I have aggressive nipples.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
