the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
