Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
