watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
