I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You're a waste of cheezeits
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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