your parents love me but you hate me
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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