seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
