You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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