you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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