she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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