I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
