I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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