I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The air was thick with penises
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
