I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
