Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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