i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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