this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
