i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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