I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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