hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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