I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
