I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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