I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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