I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize