I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize