If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
