nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
