Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
