I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Soap is not a condiment
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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