don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
there was a trapeze. enough said
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
