She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
we're making bets on your personal life
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
