apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
