Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
