i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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