Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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