The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
