$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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