I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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