singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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