how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize