dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
