I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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