i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
